It's Ok to be Alone

As I am getting older, I have found that I am a loner. It took me a journey to get there. When I was young I was a true loner, but it was something that I felt was a bad thing. I thought I needed people. I felt so isolated, like I couldn't relate to anyone. I thought something was wrong we me. Everyone around me had friends, or some type of relation. I spent the best part of my early years just searching, trying to locate where I belong. Who would love me for me. I battled a lot of health and emotional problems just trying to locate myself.

I found myself in toxic relationships with friends, family, and intimate. I could not understand why it was so hard to love me? In 2019 I found myself at rock bottom, and pregnant. I was alone, and homeless with my children. I left everything, hoping that for once the family that told me to leave everything and come home would finally be there. I spoke to my friend at that time, and I released everything I was feeling. She spoke to me in the most caring way, and told me that since I was at the bottom the only place I had to was up. My oldest aunt opened her home for my children and I. She knew where the root was from the loneliness that I was going through. Even I knew it, but I didn't want to admit it. I begin to get out into nature and just meditate. When ever I felt closed in, I would meditate. I begin to accept and forgive myself for everything. I begin to tell myself it was ok. Instead of saying why me and crying, I begin to look at why I was in the situation I was in. It took me back to my loneliness. I started to understand that I cannot love anyone, friend, love one, or a man. I started to infuse self love with gratitude. I am not created for everyone to like me. I begin to see my purpose, my let down, and my trauma that led me down the path I was on. I didn't realize that I was running from every bad thing that happened to me, instead of facing it.

I realized how we are trained to sweep things under the rug, and think that we are facing them, but we are covering them up. I realized I was chosen to wake up, and face the things that led myself and my family on a cycle. My anger that I had with people, I understood, how ego interfered with understanding. I started to love myself piece by piece. I put so much effort into myself, I started going to therapy. I didn't have to wait to have someone to do the things that made me happy. When I realized that, the people that I needed around me, begin to come. They loved the side of me that I hid. I begin to be comfortable. I understood that no one was responsible for my healing, but me. I truly found peace, and I started placing boundaries in place for me to keep my peace. I realized that how I love people is solely a reflection of how I love myself. I didn't try to make people who I wanted them to be. I loved them for who they are, and if who they are didn't align with me, I distant the connection.

That's the thing, some believe that if a person doesn't align with them. They try to mold them into the perfect person they want them to be. That causes so much confusion and arguments. No one can chose some else's path for them. Trust me, it doesn't work. I spent so much time listening to others tell me how to live that it drove me to depression. I became depressed because when the path they felt like would work didn't, you hear quietness, stillness, and dead air. No apology, no I was wrong. At least when you make a decision and it doesn't work, all you have to blame is yourself.

If you are a person who is in denial of being alone, sit with yourself. Place your right hand over your heart and inhale in exhale. As you are breathing, go back to the first moment you felt like you were alone. Feel how you felt, and understand why you feel that way. Understand your emotions and know that it is ok to cry. You are releasing the energy that you have to let go. Realized that, the experience left you with a trigger, be aware of that trigger. If you know you are a toxic individual, go into hermit mode, and unleash the things and experiences that left you broken. Understand that while you are breaking people you are leaving behind a trail of karmic debt, debt that you have to pay, until you realized why you left so much hurt behind you. I hope you enjoyed the reading. This was a true experience from me, and I hope it helped you.